


You and Me, Baby, We're Nothing but Equi

by Zee487



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Crack, M/M, Were-Creatures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 09:08:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17261468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zee487/pseuds/Zee487





	You and Me, Baby, We're Nothing but Equi

Ugh. Why did he have to be here tonight of all nights? Jensen groans to himself and glares at the smug bastard currently flirting his way through the bar. 

Jared-fucking-Padalecki. 

“What are you groaning about now, Eeyore?” 

“Don’t call me that, dick face,” Jensen switches his glare to the man beside him. Chris grins at him, unrepentant. “If the horse-shoe fits, man…”

“One, I’m a donkey, not a horse. Two, if you start calling me Eeyore again, I’m going to start calling you Mr. Pricklepants. Three, I’m groaning about Jared-fucking-Padalecki. I swear to God, that guy is stalking me,” Jensen counts off on his fingers, finishing up with a sneer in the direction of the man of the hour himself.

Chris follows Jensen’s glare to where Jared is leaning up against the bar, chatting to several women who are all obviously competing for Jared’s attention. Chris shrugs. “Dude seems okay every time I’ve talked to him. Ever think that you might be, I dunno, overreacting a bit?”

Jensen stares at his friend in shock. “Overreacting? Overreacting? That blowhard is the reason I missed out on the Norton case! He sabotaged my work on Lanceton! He flirts with my paralegal all day and I can’t get any work done! He’s stupidly tall for a were-zebra! He’s flighty! He has dimples! And who the hell has hair like that in a law firm!” By the end Jensen’s half-shouting and waving his arms around wildly. 

“Okay, okay. Forget I said anything,” Chris pats Jensen’s shoulder consolingly.

Jensen’s still a little wild-eyed. “His HAIR, Chris, his HAIR- shit.” He frantically tries to stop the run of the beer that he’s just knocked over. Chris hands over a bunch of napkins, then stands up. “I’ll go grab us a couple more.”

Jensen tries to pat the table dry. Huh. There’s a lot of beer here going to waste. Maybe if he just… He’s leaning forward, about to touch his tongue to the table when he hears the drawl above him, “Well, isn’t this just the picture of special.”

Jensen peeks up. God damn it. Jared-fucking-Padalecki. 

Jared slings himself into the chair Chris just vacated. “So I see you’ve decided to really let your donkey run free tonight, Ackles.”

“Fuck you,” Jensen snaps. “I was just…” he trails off. To be honest, he isn’t really sure WHAT he was doing. Being drunk and stupid, apparently. “It’s none of your business,” he finishes weakly.

“Uh-huh,” Jared grins at him with those stupid dimples. He leans forward. “I got a better way you could use that tongue,” he leers. 

Jensen leans back to stare incredulously at him. “Are you kidding? Are you trying to flirt with me? After what you’ve done to me?” He starts to get up. Jared grabs him by the wrist and tugs hard. Jensen lands on Jared’s lap. “Come on, Ackles,” Jared slides his hand up Jensen’s leg. “Don’t you want to see what it’s like? Just one time. I could rock your world, baby.”

“Don’t call me baby! And let me go, you overgrown moose!” Jensen struggles to get up. Jared’s got his arms around Jensen’s waist, though, and he’s nuzzling the back of Jensen’s neck. It feels…nice. Damn it.

“Zebra, actually,” Jared murmurs into Jensen’s neck. He’s now placing small kisses up to Jensen’s ear. Jensen shivers despite himself. “Just one time,” Jared whispers again.

Jensen can feel the bulge underneath his ass. Jared’s definitely packing. And it has been at least three months since Jensen got laid. And what Jared’s doing right now is feeling really, really good…

Jensen twists to face Jared. “Fine. But there are going to be rules. One, this is a one-time thing. Two, you tell nobody. If you do, I’ll lace your coffee with laxatives. Three, if you say one shitty thing about it to me afterward, I will cut you. Four, we’re doing this at your house.”

Jared smiles at him. “Deal.”

 

Jensen lands on the bed with a bounce. Holy crap, Jared’s strong. He props himself up on his elbows and watches as Jared strips off his clothes, throwing them toward the same pile Jensen just left his in. Yep. Jared’s definitely packing. Jensen can feel his mouth watering just looking at Jared’s cock. It’s long, and just thick enough. 

Jared crawls on the bed and straddles Jensen. His eyes are dark. He runs a hand down Jensen’s chest. “Looking good, Ackles.” He leans down, clearly intending to kiss Jensen. 

Jensen twists his head away, puts his hand on Jared’s chest to stop him. “No. We’re not here for that, Padalecki. I’m here to get off. Get to work.” He shoves Jared’s head down.

Jared chuckles against Jensen’s stomach. “Bossy, Ackles. I knew you would be a needy bottom.”

“Shut the fuck-nggh-“ Jensen loses his train of thought when Jared swallows his cock down. Oh, god, that feels good. Jared does something with his tongue, and Jensen swears loudly. “Jared, oh, god, you need to- Yes- No- Oh god, that feels way too good-“

Jared pulls off Jensen’s cock with a pop. “You gotta stick around. We’re not even close to the main event.” He grabs Jensen’s hips, and in a move that absolutely does not send a spark of arousal down Jensen’s spine, flips Jensen entirely over on his stomach. 

“Unnfff,” Jensen says.

Jared chuckles again. Jensen can feel Jared’s nose nudging his ass, then a flick of Jared’s tongue. Jared’s teeth gently scrape down one butt-cheek, then down the other. Jared carefully sets his teeth right on the round of Jensen’s ass and- he bites. Hard. 

“Ouch! What the-?” Jensen twists around. Jared’s laughing again. “Sorry, sorry. I’m a Grevy’s zebra-it’s what we do.”

“Well, stop it.” Jensen grumbles. 

“Aye, aye, captain.” Jared pulls Jensen’s cheeks apart and blows across Jensen’s hole. He licks a slow stripe right up the center. He circles around the entrance, spits right into the pucker. He forces his tongue inside, pushing in. Jensen loses his mind. He’s always liked rimming, but damn. Jared is GOOD.

Jensen’s whimpering, pushing back into Jared’s mouth when Jared pulls away. “No, I’m so close-“ 

“Jensen,” Jared’s voice sounds hoarse and desperate. “I need to get inside you. I’m gonna lose it otherwise.” 

Jensen moans in response, lifts his ass higher in the air. “Then do it.” 

“No, I need a condom, lube.” Jared’s talking but three of his fingers are currently in Jensen’s hole, twisting, rubbing right over Jensen’s prostate.

“Don’t need a condom. We’re good there. And I don’t need lube. Wet enough. Come ON, Jared. Please.”

“Are you sure?” Jared sounds weak. 

“Yes, I’m sure. Do it.”

Jensen nearly comes when Jared starts slowly pushing that magnificent cock in. It’s tight, and it burns, and it feels so good. Jared’s panting. “Oh, god, Jensen. You’re so tight. Oh, god. I can’t do this, I’m going to come.” 

Jensen nearly snarls. “I swear to god, Jared, if you come right now, I will punch you in the face.”

Jared laughs breathily. “Okay, okay. Just give me a moment.” A beat passes. Two. Then Jared leans forward, puts his hands on either side of Jensen’s head. “You ready?”

“I was ready years ago, Jared. Move already!”

“Okay. You asked for it.”

Jared slams forward. Jensen-well, there’s really no other word for it-Jensen yowls. God damn, that feels good.

 

Jensen stares forlornly at the box in his hand. There’s no way. This can’t be real. He’s just gonna put the box back and walk away, because this is crazy. This doesn’t happen. He looks at his phone again. Except, apparently, it does. Right there. That’s what Google has to say about it. Were-zebras and were-donkeys can procreate, although it is rare. Offspring are often called were-zebroids, were-zedonks, or were-zonkeys. 

Okay. He’s gonna just buy the box. He’s going to go back to the office, and he’s going to take the test, which will naturally be negative, because even though were-donkeys and were-zebras apparently CAN procreate, even Google agrees that it’s rare. Yes. That’s it. 

Twenty minutes later, Jensen is staring at the tiny plus sign on the stick. This can’t be happening. He cannot possibly be having the hybrid baby of Jared-fucking-Padalecki after one night of drunken sex. The best sex you’ve ever had, a little voice whispers in the back of Jensen’s mind. No. It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t like Jared, never has, never will. Even now, after their ill-advised hook-up, Jared’s always hanging around outside Jensen’s office like he always has, being loud and obnoxious and flirting outrageously with poor Gil. 

For a hot second afterwards, Jensen had thought maybe they were getting to a place where they could at least be cordial to each other, but then Jared had walked into the break room while Jensen and the managing partner, Jeff, were talking to each other. His face had gone black, and he had stalked out of the room like he had just caught Jensen giving away confidential client information to the opposing party. Since then, he’s been as rude and obnoxious as ever. 

Jensen looks at the stick again. Maybe it’s wrong. It’s just one test. It probably is defective or something. 

Thirty minutes later, Jensen has five sticks lined up on the bathroom counter, five little plus signs staring him in the face. Crap. 

He carefully collects all of the sticks in the plastic bag, then shoves it under his suit, and walks back to his office as quickly as possible. 

He strides right past Jared, who is leaning over Gil’s desk, cooing over the puppy Gil has in one of his picture frames. Jared doesn’t even look up at him. 

Jensen collapses into his office chair. He’s going to have to tell Jared sooner or later. They work together, so it’s going to be obvious in a couple of months. Also, Jensen freely admits to being an ass, but he’s not going to try to keep one of the fathers out of his baby’s life. And-whoa. His baby. He’s having a baby. Jensen Ross Ackles is going to be a daddy. 

Well, shit.

 

Jensen’s just pushed his number when he hears somebody calling to hold the elevator. He grabs the door and holds it open. Jared rushes in, slowing down once he sees Jensen. 

“Lobby?” Jensen asks politely. Jared nods coldly, then pointedly pulls out his phone. 

Jensen watches the numbers tick by. He still hasn’t told Jared yet. He needs to. In a month or so, it’s going to be obvious what’s going on, and it won’t be fair to Jared to not tell him. The elevator dings at the lobby. Jared strides forward, clearly intent on getting away from Jensen as quickly as possible.

“Jared!” Jensen is talking before he remembers deciding to do so. Jared stops, slowly turns around, raises an eyebrow. 

“Can we talk somewhere?” 

“I don’t know. Don’t you have a date with Jeff to get to?” Jared sneers.

“What? No, of course not. Look, Jared, I have something I really need to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere?”

Jared looks at him for a moment, then gestures to the Irish bar adjacent to the lobby. “After you.”

They’re silent as they settle into their booth. Jared looks at Jensen funny when he only orders water, but doesn’t say anything.

Finally, Jensen breaks the quiet. “The night we were together.” He stops. He doesn’t know how to say this.

“Yeah…” Jared’s looking at him funny again.

Jensen gamely keeps going. “We didn’t use protection.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jared says. “You said you were on birth control, though. Wait, is this conversation where you tell me that I now might have herpes?”

“No!” Jensen nearly shouts. “Well, I don’t know actually. If you do, you didn’t get them from me.” 

Jared’s face is shuttered. “Well, then, if I don’t have an STD, what do you want?”

“I wasn’t on birth control,” Jensen says. 

Jared stares at him. “You said you were!”

“No, I said we were good. I thought…” Jensen coughs. God, this is embarrassing. “I thought were-zebras and were-donkeys weren’t genetically compatible. I thought we COULDN’T make a baby.”

“…What are you saying, Jensen?”

“I’m pregnant. And you’re the father.”

“Are you sure it’s me, and not Jeff?”

“WHAT? Yes, it’s you! Jeff and I have never slept together! What’s your problem, Padalecki?” Jensen’s starting to get pissed.

“You and Jeff aren’t together?”

“No!”

“Oh.” Jared is starting to look sheepish. “So you’re pregnant? Are you sure?”

“I’m six home tests sure.” 

“Whoa.” Jared leans back in the booth. Then absurdly, a smile creeps over his face. “So you’re pregnant. With my baby. Because you thought we couldn’t make a baby together?”

Jensen can feel his face turning red. “Yes.”

Jared is laughing. “Oh, Ackles.”

Jensen can’t help smiling too. “I know. It’s ridiculous.” He leans forward. “I want to keep the baby. I understand if you aren’t interested, but I’m not going to be a dick about this. If you want to be involved, I’m going to let you.”

Jared’s eyes are soft. He leans forward too. “Jensen, of course I want to be involved. Speaking of involvement, why haven’t you gone to the doctor yet? You have got to be a couple of months along already, right?”

Jensen shrugs. “I wanted to give you the chance to be there.” 

“Thank you,” Jared says. He fidgets on the bench. “I need to tell you something too.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’ve been so rude the past couple of months. I’ve been going crazy because I thought you were seeing Jeff and I guess I got jealous. So I want to make sure that you know that’s not how I normally act, and I’m really sorry for being such a douche.”

Jensen smiles at him. “Apology accepted, dude. We’re gonna have learn how to get along if we’re doing parenthood together.”

Jared’s face fills with wonder. “Wow. A baby. That’s…”

“Terrifying? Scary? Frightening?”

Jared laughs. “I was going to say awesome, but yeah, I guess it is a little scary. We’re going to have a little zonkey running around!” He grabs Jensen’s hand, interlaces it together. 

“And maybe we can get to know each other too while we wait to see how our kid turns out?”

Jensen looks at Jared’s hand, big, calloused. “Yeah, I think I would like that.”

Jared’s face lights up, his dimples on display. “It’s a date, Ackles.”


End file.
